Machine generated contents note: Contents -- Foreword -- Letter to My Children -- Who's Who in the Cast -- Rue the Day -- "Drinking the Kool-Aid" -- Family-Friendly -- Have Children: The Condition -- Anti-Family -- I Confess -- Happy Days Are Here Again -- The Pharaoh and the Slave -- Vice President -- My Dad, the Professional Wrestler -- The Narcissist's Guide to Babies and Toddlers -- When Women Get Lazy -- Oh My God, You're Pregnant? -- Witchcraft -- Newbornland -- Dogfight -- Circumcision -- The Invasion -- Eat the Coleslaw! -- Toddlerhood -- The Evil Within -- Secrets and Lies -- A Critical Analysis of Children's Literature -- No Further Questions -- Bring in da Noise -- The People Who Live Under the Floor -- Monsters -- Nothing in Common -- Hotel New York City -- Vamanos -- Is It Too Soon to Start Dating Again? -- I'll Be Your Tour Guide -- Pale Force -- Learnin' Them -- A Self-Portrait -- Your Special Day -- Losing My Religion -- No Such Thing as a Free Babysitter -- How to Put Five Kids to Bed in a Two-Bedroom Apartment -- Negotiating with Terrorists -- My Former Bed -- Morning Has Been Broken -- Naps Are Payday Loans -- Get Married, Have Kids, Get Fat -- Hand-in-Mouth Disease -- We Need Bread -- You Win, McDonald's -- How Sweet It Is -- 'Tis the Season -- My Other Family -- Are You Done Yet? -- Six Kids, Catholic -- The Great White Baby -- The Mousetrap -- Picture This -- Snow Job -- On the Road Again -- Eskimo Pies -- You're Going to Miss This -- Acknowledgments.